{"id":1031,"date":"2026-01-02T20:49:47","date_gmt":"2026-01-02T20:49:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pasioncondal.com\/blog\/?p=1031"},"modified":"2026-01-02T20:52:26","modified_gmt":"2026-01-02T20:52:26","slug":"die-hard-explained-by-princess-tartirexy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.pasioncondal.com\/blog\/die-hard-explained-by-princess-tartirexy\/","title":{"rendered":"DIE HARD, EXPLAINED BY PRINCESS TARTIREXY"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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[We see Luna holding a notepad, visibly tense. Charlotte is already messing with the catnip to cope.]<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

\"\"TARTIREXY<\/strong> (climbing on a pillow podium)<\/em>: HELLO. I SAW A MOVIE. IT WAS ABOUT A SAD DAD WITH NO SHOES. HE GOES TO A PARTY TO FIND HIS LADY. BUT UH-OH. MEN WITH WALKIE-TALKIES<\/strong> WANT THE PARTY.<\/p>\n\n

LUNA<\/strong> (whispers)<\/em>: She’s starting strong…<\/p>\n\n

TARTIREXY<\/strong>: THE SAD DAD\u2014his name is John McLawn<\/strong>, like outside. He shows up but EVERYONE IS RUDE. SO HE TAKES OFF HIS SHOES TO FEEL THINGS WITH HIS HEART.<\/p>\n\n

CHARLOTTE<\/strong> (mutters)<\/em>: That\u2019s not even remotely<\/em>…<\/em><\/p>\n\n

LUNA<\/strong>: let her, let her…<\/p>\n\n

TARTIREXY<\/strong>: THEN A VILLAIN COMES. HIS NAME IS PROFESSOR SNIFFY GLASSES.
He says, \u201cGIVE ME THE CHRISTMAS.\u201d EVERYONE PANICS.<\/p>\n\n

TARTIREXY<\/strong>: So McLawn climbs into a hamster tube. LOTS OF HAMSTER TUBES. He never puts on shoes. He talks to a policeman on a SNACK RADIO.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

LUNA<\/strong> (correcting gently)<\/em>: You mean CB radio.<\/p>\n\n

TARTIREXY<\/strong> (glares)<\/em>: NO. SNACK RADIO. HE ASKS FOR A SNACK. HE GETS NOTHING.<\/p>\n\n

TARTIREXY<\/strong> (clapping paws excitedly)<\/em>: Then he falls down a LOT. Then he writes on a man and sends him downstairs as a GIFT, with a sweater that says, \u201cNOW I HAVE A MACHINE FRIEND, HO HO HO.\u201d<\/p>\n\n

CHARLOTTE<\/strong> (blinking)<\/em>: Machine gun<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n

TARTIREXY<\/strong> (offended)<\/em>: I DON\u2019T THINK GUNS SHOULD BE FRIENDS.<\/p>\n\n

\"\"TARTIREXY<\/strong>: Then\u2026 SOMETHING HORRIBLE. GLASS. ALL OVER. AND HE STILL HAS NO SHOES. I CRIED. I YELLED AT THE TV. WHY IS HE NOT WEARING HIS MURDER MITTENS PROTECTORS??<\/p>\n\n

LUNA<\/strong> (sniffling)<\/em>: That part is<\/em> devastating.<\/p>\n\n

TARTIREXY<\/strong>: The bad guy climbs the big shiny Christmas tower and yells \u201cYIPPEE BANANA CAKE!\u201d I think<\/em> that\u2019s what he says. Doesn\u2019t matter. He falls down like a dropped meatball \u2018cause he tried to steal Christmas, and that\u2019s a CRIME. Everyone claps. Even the cops. Even the squirrels. Especially<\/em> the squirrels..<\/p>\n\n

CHARLOTTE<\/strong>: It\u2019s \u201cYippee-ki-yay, mother\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n\n

KAREN<\/strong> (cutting in)<\/em>: Nope. Do not even think about going there, Charlotte.<\/p>\n\n

TARTIREXY<\/strong>: Then the dad finds his lady. They hug. He still has NO SHOES. Merry Christmas.
The end. I rate it: 17 out of 5 snacks. Would watch again with screaming.<\/p>\n\n

CHARLOTTE<\/strong> (standing)<\/em>: That\u2026 that was an abomination.<\/p>\n\n

LUNA<\/strong> (rolling on the floor and wiping tears)<\/em>: It was also\u2026 the best retelling I\u2019ve ever heard.<\/p>\n\n

KAREN<\/strong> (guffawing)<\/em>: McLawn. I\u2019m never calling him anything else.<\/p>\n\n

TARTIREXY<\/strong> (grinning)<\/em>: NEXT I WATCH \u201cALIENS.\u201d I THINK IT\u2019S ABOUT KITTIES.<\/p>\n\n

(Everyone collectively panics.)<\/em><\/p>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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