KAREN’S “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH” DECLARATION (Filed under: “I’m Too Old for This Shit, Volume 12”)
1. OPENING
“ENOUGH. ABSOLUTELY NOT ONE MORE WORD FROM ANY OF YOU.” Silence.Even Tarti’s whisk stops mid-whisk. Lilith freezes mid-sage. Ziggy half-opens an eye.
2. THE RANT OF THE CENTURY
“Oh my GOD. I leave you unsupervised for TEN MINUTES and suddenly I walk into a UN resolution on omelettes, omertà, dragons, binders, and WHETHER CHARLOTTE’S BRAIN IS MADE OF FEATHERS. Which, for the record— SHOULD NOT EVEN BE A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION.”
She points at Luna: “YOU—stop weaponizing Google terminology you don’t even understand.”
Points at Charlotte: “AND YOU—learn the difference between breakfast foods and criminal codes. Also stop being so dramatic, I cannot deal.”
Points at Tarti, who is now upside down: “AND YOU—STOP SINGING ABBA. I am BEGGING you. The surgery recovery hasn’t even started yet.”
Willow drools politely. Karen sighs.
“And for the love of all things holy, no more treat stashes, no more mafia allegiances, no more Scorchio custody battles!”
3. THE PART WHERE THEY ALL LOOK EMBARRASSED
Luna folds her ears back. Charlotte lifts a paw like “I have a counterargument—” Karen raises ONE finger. Charlotte shuts up instantly.
4. THE FINAL DECREE
“From this moment forward, there will be:
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- NO yelling about eggs.
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- NO binder-related violence.
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- NO accusing each other of being household appliances.
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- NO dragon favoritism.
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- NO singing unless it’s Billie Holiday.”
Tartiflette gasps, scandalized.
“And DEAR GOD, no more ‘omertà’ until after my surgery, when I’m full of pain meds and less likely to commit crimes.”
Luna quietly pushes her binder away. Charlotte adjusts an imaginary crown. Tartiflette is already humming “Chiquitita” again. Karen stares at the ceiling. “Why do I even try.”
AFTERMATH: “THE GREAT BREAKFAST CEASEFIRE”
The room is still. The air is tense. Karen has stormed off to sit for five blessed minutes of peace. The cats look at each other. Luna closes her binder softly, like a chastened accountant. Charlotte sighs in a grand, operatic way. Tartiflette wipes egg yolk off her forehead even though THERE WAS NO EGG.
Lilith blows out the sage. Ziggy farts.Willow licks the floor. Everyone is silent.
For once… for ONE glorious millisecond…They all come to the same, shared, telepathic conclusion:
“Karen might actually kill us.”
Luna:
“We pushed her too far.”
Charlotte:
“We? We? I was innocent until YOU started yelling about omelettes!”
Luna:
“It was OMERTÀ”
Charlotte:
“OH MY GOD HERE WE GO AGAIN”
Tartiflette (screaming):
“OMELETTE! OMELETTE! OMELETTE!”
Willow tries to sit on her to calm her down.
Karen (from the bedroom):
“I SWEAR TO GOD IF I HEAR THE WORD ‘OMELETTE’ ONE MORE TIME—”
Instant silence. You could hear a whisk drop. Tartiflette gently puts hers down.
2. THE PEACE SUMMIT
Luna and Charlotte sit across from each other like diplomats.
Luna: “Okay. Fine. Maybe I overreacted.”
Charlotte: “Maybe? Dear, you had more cows than a Norwegian dairy farm.”
Luna: “You yelled about breakfast for twenty minutes!”
Charlotte: “You yelled about crime families!”
Luna: “…fair.”
Charlotte: “…fair.”
They both sigh.
Lilith, from a corner in a low whisper:
“The spirits accept your truce.”
Ziggy:
snore.
3. THE NEW AGREEMENTS (Drafted by Luna, Approved by Charlotte)
The Household Peace Treaty of 2025
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- No cat may yell “omelette” unless actual eggs are present.
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- Omertà must be explained with diagrams so Charlotte stops thinking it’s food.
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- Charlotte must stop comparing Luna to appliances.
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- Charlotte must stop wearing kitchen objects “for fashion.”
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- Tartiflette may not enter any meetings without adult supervision.
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- Scorchio is neutral territory.
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- Willow gets snacks.
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- Ziggy remains asleep.
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- If Karen is in pain, all cats must shut the hell up.
Signed,
Clawed,
Pawed,
And reluctantly accepted.
