The cats have learned that Karen is going to have surgery and Luna is not just having cows,
she’s filing a 43-page incident report with Hissing Resources.
She is pacing the hallway with her binder, highlighter in mouth, muttering things like:
- “Three cows? THREE? Try a whole dairy farm.”
- -“Who signed off on this? Oh right. NO ONE CONSULTED OPERATIONS.”
- “How am I supposed to manage workflow when the spine is out of compliance AGAIN?”
Lilith is lighting sage like: “We banish the angry disc. Begone.”
Luna though? She absolutely had 3 cows, 2 calves, 1 goat, and a llama over this. And she will make sure you hear about it in her next memo. She has slammed her binder on the conference table (the laundry basket) and begun typing with that furious COO energy that could level a small village.
INTERNAL MEMO — Hissing Resources & Operations Division
From: Luna M. Whiskers, COO
To: All Departments, Feline & Human
Subject: Unapproved Structural Renovation of Mama’s Spine (“The January 7th Fiasco”)
Date: Immediately, urgently, yesterday
1. PURPOSE OF THIS MEMO
It has come to my attention — via screaming, medical paperwork, and Tartiflette running through the hallway with a printout shouting “THE KAREN IS GETTING REPAIRED!!” — that mama has scheduled a full laminectee, laminictimy, laminectomy!!!! without first submitting the required Form HR-666B: Request for Spinal Upgrades & Renovations.
This is, naturally, an outrage. I am having not a cow but a whole dairy farm about it.
2. OPERATIONAL IMPACT & CONCERNS
• Disrupted workflow
How am I supposed to manage operations when our main human unit will be out of commission, flat like a floppy lasagna noodle, for recovery?
• Unauthorized procurement
No one consulted me regarding hospital snacks, blankets, or pillow logistics. This level of chaos is unacceptable.
• Emotional damages
I require at least 48 hours to dramatically pace and sigh in doorways. This surgery gives me too little time to be properly dramatic.
3. BEHAVIOR OF OTHER DEPARTMENTS
Tartiflette (Intern of Chaos):
Currently wearing a surgical mask as pants. Blessed Saint Pancake on a griddle, why oh why. Keeps singing ABBA’s “Chiquitita” to “comfort” Mama. Refuses to stop. Refuses to learn the lyrics.
Charlotte (Director of Regal Judgment):
Rolls eyes so loudly they can be heard across state lines. Says “About time, darling” while dusting Scorchio. Claims Lilith predicted this in her “prophecies.”
Ziggy Stardust (Senior VP of Naps):
Has no opinion. Hasn’t woken up since hearing the news.
Lilith (Head of Arcane Affairs):
Preparing crystals. Preparing sage. Preparing a hex for anyone who delays the surgery.
Willow (Director of Snacks):
Does not care as long as snacks remain available. Supports Mama in spirit and stomach.
4. OFFICIAL COO DECLARATION
Despite the catastrophic breakdown in protocol, I, Luna M. Whiskers, hereby approve this laminectomy retroactively, but ONLY because Mama deserves to walk without screaming. However, I will supervise recovery, I will sit on all paperwork, I will enforce naps with my full body weight and I will glare at anyone who tries to make Mama do too much.
5. NEXT STEPS
- All cats must rotate in shifts of gentle presence and judgmental stares.
- Tartiflette must be kept as far away as possible from medical supplies, wires, chargers, glue, or anything labeled “sterile.”
- Charlotte is forbidden from announcing: “I knew this would happen.”
- Willow shall deliver comfort snacks as needed.
And I — Luna — will oversee every second of this operation with precision and order.
Signed, with annoyance and love,
Luna M. Whiskers
COO, Hissing Resources, Binder Guardian, Operations Enforcer, Professional Worrier
*******************************************************
CHARLOTTE’S OFFICIAL REBUTTAL
Filed with: The Department of Unsolicited Opinions
Date: Immediately because she cannot WAIT
1. INTRODUCTION
To whom it may concern (which is everyone, because Charlotte is always concerned),
I have read Luna’s memo, if one may call that frantic scratching a “memo” and, I feel COMPELLED BY DIVINE FELINE JUSTICE to respond.
Because clearly, SOME cats believe that being COO entitles them to melodrama, livestock metaphors, and binder-wielding tantrums.
Spoiler: it does not.
2. ON LUNA’S “DAIRY FARM”
Let the record show that Luna having three cows, two calves and a llama is not a crisis. It is her natural state. She has cows the way other cats have hairballs. Daily, dramatically and loudly.
I, on the other hand, maintain dignity, which is more than I can say for her binder, which she left on MY favorite chair, with the audacity of a cat who thinks she’s middle management.
3. ON IAIA’S SURGERY
Unlike Luna — who is spinning in circles like a Roomba with a personality disorder — I recognize that iaia’s laminectomy is necessary, overdue and, frankly, the only way we’re going to stop hearing those human pain-yelps that interrupt MY naps.
I, therefore, APPROVE.
Furthermore, I will be supervising from:
- The top of the dresser
- The back of the couch
- And occasionally iaia’s chest, because she’s my grandmother and I can sit where I please.
4. ON TORTILLA FLAT
For the twentieth time:
I will NOT call her by her given name, that name is an abomination. She is simply “the Small Loud One” who should be banned from singing ABBA. If I hear “Chiquitita” ONE MORE TIME, I will personally summon my dragon Scorchio to deal with her.
5. ON LUNA’S “AUTHORITY”
A brief list of things Luna has no authority over:
- Me
- My chair
- My meal schedule
- My opinions
- Scorchio
- Meteorological phenomena
- Iaia’s spine
- Anything above her pay grade (i.e., EVERYTHING)
6. CLOSING STATEMENT
In conclusion:
Iaia shall receive her surgery. I shall supervise. Luna shall calm down (unlikely). The Small Loud One shall be relocated to a soundproof enclosure (recommended). And the household shall continue to revolve around me, as usual
You’re welcome.
Signed with regal disdain,
Charlotte, Duchess of the Arctic Circle, Holder of Scorchio, Overcoat Supreme, Future Ruler of the Living Room
