It all started when Luna—who has somehow acquired my streaming passwords (and no, I still don’t know how)—binge-watched Harry Potter and streamed it for everyone. Two days later, my fanciest Halloween witch hat went missing. You know the one: black velvet, curled brim, feather plume, and a veil dramatic enough to make Morticia Addams weep. Here’s the thing: the hat wasn’t supposed to work. It looked witchy, sure, but it wasn’t magical.
Or so I thought.
Enter Lilith.
At some point between 2 a.m. zoomies and her mid-morning séance, she enchanted the hat. No one asked her to. No one gave permission. She claims she “just wanted to see what would happen” because after watching Harry Potter “the energy felt right.”
Suddenly, the hat was alive. Not Disney-friendly-singing-hat alive—no, this thing was opinionated, judgmental, and deeply sarcastic.
I found it in the living room, surrounded by five very determined cats. They weren’t just playing dress-up. No, they were holding their own Sorting Ceremony.
The Sorting: Results.
– Charlotte: Hufflepuff. The gasp that left her could have cracked glass. “WHAT?!? Do I look like I churn butter and crochet socks for fun? I am a Slytherin, through and through. I have schemes, I have power—” The hat just said, “…you have snacks.”
– Ziggy Stardust: Slytherin. Ziggy, who once forgot how doors work, just blinked in slow, smug triumph. The hat purred, “Cunning is sometimes just doing nothing and letting everyone underestimate you.” Charlotte nearly exploded. “The brain damaged one gets to be the cunning villain?? What is this mockery?
– Tartiflette: Gryffindor. Tarti is thrilled and now believes she’s entitled to jump off anything higher than three feet “in the name of bravery.” In fact, she immediately jumped off the back of the couch yelling, “FOR GLORY!” and landed in the laundry basket.
– Luna: Ravenclaw. Which is fair, no shock there—she’s the brains of this chaos and the one who started the whole Sorting revolution. She smirked, updated her clipboard, and muttered, “Figures. I’ll be in the library, losers.”
– Lilith: Refused to be sorted, citing “ancient magic” and the need to remain neutral. “I’m the Sorting Hat’s creator. I’m above Hogwarts politics.”
The Fallout:
Ziggy and Tarti immediately staged a duel involving a spatula and a roll of paper towels. Charlotte accused Ziggy of “dark magic” (she just sat on her tail). Luna sighed so hard I swear the curtains moved. Charlotte tried to wrestle the hat away to “force a re-sort.” Ziggy wrapped himself around it like it was the One Ring, hissing at anyone who got close. Tarti attempted to duel Ziggy again, this time with a ladle, yelling, “Expelliarmus!” Luna announced she was docking everyone points for general stupidity.
Somehow, the hat kept talking even when no one wore it, loudly remarking on their personal flaws and snack theft histories.
By nightfall, Charlotte had locked herself in the bathroom with the hat and was attempting to bribe it with Dreamies to change her house. The hat refused. Ziggy lurked outside like a mafioso guarding his territory.
By the time I rescued the hat, it was covered in cat fur, one feather was missing, and the veil had been chewed into something resembling avant-garde lace.
Lilith just sat back and smiled.
When I confronted her, she simply said, “Practicing for Halloween. You’re welcome.”
