COO Daily Report — Category 5 Packing Event
08:42 – Initial tremors detected: stomping, muttering, weather forecast yelling. Karen declared “I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR” while surrounded by 17 sweaters. Began drafting emergency memo: “You Will Not Die of Fashion Inconsistency in Oslo.”
09:03 – Responded to high-pitched human shrieking. Cause: “Missing thermal socks.” Location: Already packed inside the shoe bag. Opened bag and stared judgmentally until human made eye contact and remembered she has a brain. Fire level: contained.
09:17 – Charlotte launched full-scale revolt. Sat on the laptop and renamed the itinerary file to “KARENSHIT.docx.” Threatened to eat boarding passes. I gave her The Look™ and a long sigh. She countered with a passive-aggressive tail flick and relocated to the packing cubes to shed fur in protest.
09:41 – Tartiflette mistook toiletry bag for treasure chest. Recovered three Q-tips, a half eaten deodorant stick, and one highly compromised travel toothbrush. Cat firmly relocated to the hallway. She returned five seconds later with Karen’s bra hooked around her neck like a cape.
10:05 – Human attempting to pack:
4 pairs of boots
3 curling irons
A parka that weighs more than she does
And a full-sized candle labeled “Hygge Cabin Vibes”
Initiated “Laser Pointer Protocol” to distract her while I removed 6 boots and hid them behind the curtain. Priorities were…adjusted.
10:47 – Loud crash. Human knocked over charger pile and became tangled in USB cords like a low-budget cyborg. Began crying softly into her fleece-lined bra. Administered slow-blink therapy. Climbed onto her chest, initiated purr-to-calm sequence. Stabilization successful.
11:14 – Charlotte attempted to file a formal complaint to the Pawyer titled “Why The Fuck Am I Not Going to Scandinavia, You Useless Fools.” I denied the motion. She bit my tail. Tarti applauded. Chaos briefly spiked to Code Orange.
11:47 – Final memo written, scratched into couch arm for permanence:
“Packing for Scandinavia: You Are Not Being Chased by Wolves. Put. Down. The. Second. Trench Coat.”
Current status:
Fires: 3 extinguished, 2 ongoing, 1 emotionally smoldering.
Karen: Calmer, sipping tea, muttering “why am I like this”.
Collateral Damage: faking that none of this is happening and going about his business when Karen leaves the bedroom.
Tartiflette: Napping inside a tote bag marked “Essentials”
Charlotte: Sulking dramatically in the laundry basket
Me: Holding this circus together with my last whisker and a clipboard I don’t have
End of report. Requesting danger pay. And tuna.
— Luna, Chief Operating Officer & Full-Time Sanity Supervisor
