Case Title: Storm Protocol Violation & Unauthorized Martian Excursion
From: Luna, Chief Operations Officer
To: All Feline Units (except Ziggy, apparently)
Situation Report:
It is, once again, storming. And, once again, Ziggy “Chonky Goddess of Sleep” Stardust has vanished into the chaos like a puff of dream-scented fog. This marks the FOURTH unauthorized mission off-base this month. I am starting to suspect that she really likes piñas coladas and getting caught in the rain. We suspect she has either:
Beamed herself to Mars,
Discovered an interdimensional portal in the bushes, or
Simply gone floppy and camouflaged herself as a damp sock.
Human Performance Evaluation:
The Karen: Stomping through the storm while holding an umbrella. 2/10, wet and loud.
Collateral Damage™: Repeating “Ziggy?? Zig-Zig??” in increasingly shrill tones. 3/10, minimal strategic planning.
Both: Continue to scream in the yard, attracting zero Ziggies and one suspicious raccoon.
Risk Assessment:
This recurring security breach reflects poorly on our Human Containment Team™. I have submitted yet another complaint to HR (Hissing Resources), but the response is, as always, “meow.”
Current Status:
Tartiflette is attempting to “help” by standing on the windowsill and yelling “Ziggy!” every 3.4 seconds. Lilith is lighting candles and muttering something about “summoning her back from the Void.” Charlotte has claimed the dry spot under the window and told everyone to shut up.
Action Plan:
Increase Ziggy beacon frequency (maybe tie a GPS to her floof?).
Require humans to undergo basic search-and-rescue training.
Send Lilith to Mars if she keeps whispering to the clouds.
Stay dry. Stay sarcastic.
—Luna
COO, Household Feline Affairs
