Subject:Tartiflette is now… a nurse???
- Date: I don’t know, I can’t keep track of time anymore.
Filed by: Luna, Cat. Black. Really tired.
Luna: Charlotte, check your bingo cards. Where does it say that the Chaos Goblin was going to become Head Nurse? Because I sure don’t see it on mine! This morning at around 09:42, I was getting ready to file a complaint about
someone (TARTIFLETTE) using my stethoscope as a jump rope, when I got hit with the most disturbing plot twist you can imagine: Tartiflette is now Karen’s nurse. And, brace yourself, she’s actually pretty good at it. La Tartifletta was wearing tiny scrubs and she had a clipboard made from a cereal box. And she calls herself Firenza Kittengale.
I nearly had a heart attack. She had syringes, bandages and she followed Karen to the bathroom waving a half walnut shell and demanding a urine sample.
Charlotte: Tortilla Flat is such a piece of work! She’s awful, awful and relentless. Where does she get these things from? I will tell you where: Karen, the enabler with two thumbs. What I had on my card was:
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- “Fartiflette gets her head stuck in a pill organizer and Karen has to rescue her with shears”
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- “The chaos goblin prescribes glitter for pain”
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- “A post-it note appears saying: ‘DO NOT LET HER NEAR THE SCISSORS’ (oops)”
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- “Tortilla Flat gets shipped to Sansi Bar after singing Chiquitita for the umpteenth time while Karen is under the influence.”
But “Tarti becomes Head Nurse”? Nope. Not even on the wildcard square. What the hell is going on now???
Luna: I need to get the stethoscope out of the crouton drawer and block access to Karen’s chart (Tarti is writing with crayons. Again.) Somehow, I’m feeling a mix of pride, terror, and genuine admiration at the same time. Tarti is administering meds with surprising accuracy, labeling Karen’s pill bottles with paw stickers, adjusting the ice machine like she’s done it a million times in an orthopedic ward and fluffing the pillow before gently headbutting Karen and tucking her in like she’s a real pro.
Oh, and she sang Chiquitita twice. Once in Swedish. Don’t even ask.
Charlotte: Has she been watching TikTok again?? I thought you blocked that!! Maybe she thinks this is a new kind of game where the goal is “keep Karen alive” instead of “knock everything off the counter.”
Luna: Yeah, the issue is she keeps calling herself “Firenza Kittengale, Nurse Supreme,” tried to check Willow’s blood pressure with a measuring tape and a marshmallow, and made ME the “emotional support intern,” insisting I’m on call “24/7, sorry, it’s union rules.” Where does she come up with this stuff??? Karen’s got a tiny, striped nurse. And she’s absolutely killing it. (Not literally. Yet.)
With jaw still on the floor,
Luna
