Model: “SKÄRNLIV” – One unnecessary side table you’ll hate by tomorrow
As dictated by Charlotte, Evil Calico Overcoat, Furniture Foe, and Keeper of the Flame (aka Scorchio)
INCLUDED PARTS:
– 17 identical wooden pegs (you’ll lose 3 before Step 2)/ 4 hex screws that look like despair/ 1 metal rod you’ll never find a use for/ 2 left legs (no right ones; that’s a YOU problem)/ A vague whiff of Swedish superiority/ 1 Allen key, forged in Hell’s hottest corner
The Opening of the Box (aka Pandora’s Discount Cousin)
Peel the tape like it owes you money. Inhale the scent of sorrow and plywood. Scorchio sniffs the air and hisses. He senses a malevolent energy: pre-assembled smugness. Burn it? No, not yet. Open the box. Try not to injure yourself.
“What’s this? You’re already confused? It’s a RECTANGLE, Karen. It opens. You lift the flaps. My God.” If you’re crying already, just stop now and use it as firewood. I don’t have all day.
Step 1:
You see instructions? That’s cute. Let the fear wash over you. Good. Now ignore them. Real power comes from chaos. Let the confusion seep in like overpriced meatball grease.
“Scorchio just sneezed on page 2. You didn’t need it anyway.”
Step 2:
Locate Peg A. Don’t ask which one it is. They’re labeled. Insert Peg A into Slot B. It won’t fit, so scream “SKÄRNLIV!” with Nordic fury, loud enough to wake ancient IKEA spirits, and throw it across the room. That’s the ancient ritual of initiation. Congratulations, you’re cursed now. (You also just accidentally summoned a flat-pack demon named Yrldgün—he lives in your sock drawer now. He speaks only in screaming Swedish vowels).
“Oh, sweet summer idiot. You think Peg A looks like Peg B? That’s because you didn’t read the damn chart!!!!. Insert Peg A into Slot B. Yes, like the picture shows. No, not sideways. Jesus.”
Step 3:
Use the Allen key (Oh, you thought it was ‘a tool? No no. It is the Talisman of Suffering) to tighten the screw in the pre-drilled hole. Not that hole. The other one. No, not that one either.
Use it to turn the screws—no, not those screws. The other screws. Not that hole. Oh dear gods, NOT THAT HOLE. Yes, cry into the particleboard.
“You fool. You’re holding it wrong. Yes, that’s wrong too. Are your thumbs decorative?
Twist the screw into the pre-drilled hole!!!!. You’ll feel resistance. That’s the universe trying to stop you from proceeding!!!”.
Step 4:
Summon a partner, spouse, neighbor, or innocent bystander to “hold this steady.” Choose someone you love just enough to ruin the relationship forever. You will not love them after this. One of you will hold, the other will scream. You will both question your life choices. Scorchio will supervise while sipping molten lava, judging your form and taking notes for his “Flames and Furniture: How to Watch Humans Collapse”.
“Ask your partner. Your neighbor. A raccoon. Literally anyone with opposable thumbs and basic motor skills. Don’t call me for help. Not me. I’m emotionally unavailable and I don’t have that type of thumbs”.
Step 5:
Ah yes, the mystery pile. Three pegs, one bolt, a flat stick labeled ‘C9b’ that matches NOTHING. You have five pieces left over. They are important. You will never know why (actually they are offerings to Yrldgün). Put them in a ziplock bag labeled ‘shame. Tape the bag them under the table. Say nothing.
“No, they’re not ‘optional.’ IKEA isn’t a buffet, Karen. Hide it in your junk drawer with your expired coupons and moral compass”
Step 6:
Place table upright. See how it wobbles? That’s your fault, but blame society. You forgot the stabilizer. Tilt it once. It tips over. Bravo. You’ve built a very stylish liability. That was step 9 on the diagram you ignored in step 1. Fools.
“It’s not ‘the floor’s uneven.’ The floor graduated from college. YOU didn’t follow step 2.”
Step 7:
Pour wine. Light candle. Accept your fate. Reflect, not on your life choices, that’s too painful. Reflect on the fact that this whole disaster could’ve been avoided if you’d just bought something pre-assembled like a normal person. The ghost of Björn watches approvingly. The side table is now a summoning altar. The ghost now lives under the table.
“Who the hell is Björn?. He was a civil engineer. He’s disappointed in you.”
Charlotte’s Final Note:
“Your table is crooked, your ego is bruised, and your cat is disappointed. You could have burned it. You could have left it on the curb and bought a crate instead. But noooo, you had to assemble the SKÄRNLIV. You summoned Yrldgün, disappointed Björn, and angered Scorchio. Also, I licked it, that’s my side table now. You can go cry on your futon”.
Scorchio burps. The table bursts into gentle, tasteful flames.
