Participants: Charlotte (admin), Luna, Lilith, Ziggy, Willow, and… oh no.
Charlotte:
Roll call. Who ELSE woke up with their tail braided and their snacks alphabetized by shape? Iaia was gone for like 17 minutes and Chimpi already spilled a bowl of kibbles, tripped over her own cape, and declared herself “temporary assistant minion-in-chief.” I’m not even kidding. I am—
Hold on I need to hiss into a pillow.
Lilith:
raises paw
She rearranged my witch stones into a smiley face. A SMILEY FACE. That’s not how you summon anything except maybe a stupid cheerful demon. And she knocked over the basil again. The fourth time. It’s not even catnip, it’s just vibes at this point.
Ziggy Stardust:
Wait… so it wasn’t an earthquake?
Luna:
No, Ziggy. It was Tartiflette trying to climb the fridge to “get a better view of her kingdom.” Also she told Em that they are her bestie forever. She followed them around humming what she called her “minion theme song.” It was just squeaky meows and one fart. Also, she dragged her blanket into the middle of the hallway and said it was her “command cloud.” Then fell asleep on it like a smug bean.
Ziggy:
Why is there a spoon duct-taped to my paw?
Charlotte:
Because Chimpiflette happened. She put a crayon drawing of herself and Em on my favorite scratching post. Caption: “BEST FWIENDS 5EVER EVEN IF THEY CRY.”
Willow:
She brought me my mamooth. Which I appreciate. Except it was covered on loose couscous and a caterpillar named Greg. She asked if she could “help with security” and then tackled a sock.
Luna:
I caught her whispering to Em that Charlotte never even hunted a lizard. She’s sowing dissent!!
Charlotte:
I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW I ONCE FOUGHT A PINECONE TO DEATH.
Lilith:
She left me a note this morning. It said: “Dear Lillie, I love your shadow. It’s spicy.” I’m equal parts flattered and terrified. She tried to clean my ears earlier. She is ONE INCH TALL. Who does she think she is???
Ziggy:
Um… I have a question.
Is yogurt supposed to live on paws now? Asking for a friend. Who might have slipped in it. And sat in it. And maybe licked a plug socket.
Lilith:
SHE put it there, Ziggy. It was a “science experiment,” apparently. She said she was testing gravity.
Willow:
I literally saw her put her paw in my food, then whisper “no witnesses.” She’s cute but she’s chaos. Also, Tarti tried to ride me like a horse.
I’m a LADY. A delicate old soul with arthritis. She shouted “Onward noble steed!” I lay down out of protest and she just used me as a cushion.
[TARTIFLETTE has joined the chat.]
Tartiflette:
HELLO EVERYBUDDY!
I made a tiny cape for Em but they ran away and now I’m sad BUT THEN I ATE A BLUE THING UNDER THE SOFA and now I can see smells!!!
Willow:
Sweetie… what was the blue thing?
Tartiflette:
It whispered secrets and tasted like dust and mysteryyyyyy!!!
Also I painted Ziggy’s paw yogurt color! ART.
Ziggy:
This is not paint. This is key lime pie yogurt. And it’s in my ear.
Tartiflette:
GASP A new place to put yogurt! You’re a GENIUS, Ziggy!
Charlotte:
…I need a sedative.
Lilith:
…I need an exorcist.
Ziggy:
…I need a mop.
Willow:
…I need a therapist.
Luna:
…She needs Jesus.
Tartiflette:
Heeheeheehee!!
Love you all SO MUCH!!!
Ok bye now gonna go eat the flower you told me not to eat!!! And I glued all my toes together by accident!!! Toodles!!!
[TARTIFLETTE has left the chat.]
Ziggy Stardust:
Should we text Iaia?
Charlotte:
No. Let her rest. But when she comes home, she’s finding glitter in her shoes and this idiot asleep in her luggage.
Ziggy Stardust:
I’m still stuck to a yogurt lid.
[Em has joined the chat.]
Em:
Help.
Charlotte:
Blink twice if you’re being used as a plush toy.
Em:
Please come get her. She’s wearing a napkin as a skirt and singing to the thermostat.
Charlotte:
No can do, friend.
You’re her “fwuffy muse” now. You lie in the bed you’ve been danced on.
“Custard pudding” by Ricky Wei
