[We see Luna holding a notepad, visibly tense. Charlotte is already messing with the catnip to cope.]
TARTIREXY (climbing on a pillow podium): HELLO. I SAW A MOVIE. IT WAS ABOUT A SAD DAD WITH NO SHOES. HE GOES TO A PARTY TO FIND HIS LADY. BUT UH-OH. MEN WITH WALKIE-TALKIES WANT THE PARTY.
LUNA (whispers): She’s starting strong…
TARTIREXY: THE SAD DAD—his name is John McLawn, like outside. He shows up but EVERYONE IS RUDE. SO HE TAKES OFF HIS SHOES TO FEEL THINGS WITH HIS HEART.
CHARLOTTE (mutters): That’s not even remotely…
LUNA: let her, let her…
TARTIREXY: THEN A VILLAIN COMES. HIS NAME IS PROFESSOR SNIFFY GLASSES.
He says, “GIVE ME THE CHRISTMAS.” EVERYONE PANICS.
TARTIREXY: So McLawn climbs into a hamster tube. LOTS OF HAMSTER TUBES. He never puts on shoes. He talks to a policeman on a SNACK RADIO.
LUNA (correcting gently): You mean CB radio.
TARTIREXY (glares): NO. SNACK RADIO. HE ASKS FOR A SNACK. HE GETS NOTHING.
TARTIREXY (clapping paws excitedly): Then he falls down a LOT. Then he writes on a man and sends him downstairs as a GIFT, with a sweater that says, “NOW I HAVE A MACHINE FRIEND, HO HO HO.”
CHARLOTTE (blinking): Machine gun.
TARTIREXY (offended): I DON’T THINK GUNS SHOULD BE FRIENDS.
TARTIREXY: Then… SOMETHING HORRIBLE. GLASS. ALL OVER. AND HE STILL HAS NO SHOES. I CRIED. I YELLED AT THE TV. WHY IS HE NOT WEARING HIS MURDER MITTENS PROTECTORS??
LUNA (sniffling): That part is devastating.
TARTIREXY: The bad guy climbs the big shiny Christmas tower and yells “YIPPEE BANANA CAKE!” I think that’s what he says. Doesn’t matter. He falls down like a dropped meatball ‘cause he tried to steal Christmas, and that’s a CRIME. Everyone claps. Even the cops. Even the squirrels. Especially the squirrels..
CHARLOTTE: It’s “Yippee-ki-yay, mother—”
KAREN (cutting in): Nope. Do not even think about going there, Charlotte.
TARTIREXY: Then the dad finds his lady. They hug. He still has NO SHOES. Merry Christmas.
The end. I rate it: 17 out of 5 snacks. Would watch again with screaming.
CHARLOTTE (standing): That… that was an abomination.
LUNA (rolling on the floor and wiping tears): It was also… the best retelling I’ve ever heard.
KAREN (guffawing): McLawn. I’m never calling him anything else.
TARTIREXY (grinning): NEXT I WATCH “ALIENS.” I THINK IT’S ABOUT KITTIES.
(Everyone collectively panics.)
