Operations began modestly.
Charlotte leapt onto the Uber bag, knocking it over. Fries scattered like fallen soldiers.
“FIRST DELIVERY. PRACTICE RUN.” She shoved a fry into Tartiflap’s mouth. “GO.”
Tartiflap bolted. Into the hallway. Back again. Into the wall. Under the couch. Over a startled Ziggy. Into the water bowl, as usual.
“DELIVERY COMPLETE,” she announced, soaking wet, vibrating, and somehow holding a remote control she did not previously possess.
Ziggy sighed. “I told you not to involve liquids.”
Karen walked in at that exact moment, froze, and she looked at the remote, the couch, the over caffeinated kitten vibrating, the calico cat mid monologue and Luna pinching the bridge of her nose.
“…What happened…Why is the cat wet again.”
Charlotte menacingly raising a tangerine didn’t miss a beat: “Snitches get stitches.”
Luna stared into the middle distance, already mentally drafting her resignation letter.
Tartiflap whispered proudly to Ziggy: “WE ARE ONTREPONOORS NOW.”
Luna opened her mouth but Charlotte cut her off: “WE ARE A LOGISTICS COMPANY.”
Karen blinked. “Of course you are.” No questions asked, ignorance is bliss.
Next time that Karen ordered through Uber Eats, they were ready for the first interception. Tartiflette launched at the bag like a rocket. Fries scattered. Luna opened what would become the Incident Binder.
But within days, chaos became a system. The business model is infallible: intercept deliveries at the door before Karen gets there, extract the CEO’s commission (one bite of everything, non-negotiable), release the remainder. Luna had created a spreadsheet tracking every Uber Eats and Door Dash order in the household for the past six months, because, Luna. They were ready.
Tartiflette was appointed Head of Logistics because Charlotte needed someone in the role immediately and Tartiflette was the only one who raised her hand and also she knocked the org chart off the table which Charlotte interpreted as enthusiasm and frankly, she wasn’t wrong. Her delivery methodology has been documented by Luna in what is now a forty-page incident report titled “Head of Logistics: Field Operations, Weeks 1-3, God Help Us All.”
Tartiflette can hear a food delivery driver from approximately three blocks away. Nobody knows how. Luna has theorized it is the sound of the insulated bag zipper. Charlotte has theorized it is chaos finding chaos. The moment detection occurs, Tartiflette transforms from a small cat doing nothing in particular into a small cat doing everything at maximum speed. She takes up her position by the door with the focus of a professional and the stillness of someone who absolutely cannot hold still and is vibrating slightly.
The door opens. This is where things get complicated.
Tartiflette’s interception technique involves her entire body, all available momentum, and zero regard for the structural integrity of the delivery. She has been described by Charlotte as “a small grey missile with opinions.” She has been described by Luna as “a liability we cannot legally distance ourselves from because she is already on the org chart.” She has been described by Karen as “TARTIFLETTE NO—”. The delivery is intercepted.
Quality control, in Tartiflette’s professional opinion, means eating some of it. Not all of it — she has standards, she is a professional — just enough to confirm that the product is, in her assessment, good or adequate. Mainly she eats until something stops her which is usually Luna appearing with the incident report already open to a fresh page.
Her quality control reports are legendary. They are submitted verbally, at full volume, immediately following the tasting:
“GOOD. Very good. Warm. Smells like the before times. I ate the corner. The corner was important. The rest is fine. You’re welcome.”
“BAD SPICY. I have been betrayed. I am logging a complaint. The complaint is this scream. AAAAAA.”
“ACCEPTABLE. Some issues. I sat on it briefly for warmth purposes this is not a quality problem this is logistics innovation.”
“PERFECT. I ate half. This was necessary for science. Luna stop writing that down.”
“COLESLAW: why??????.”
Luna writes it all down. Every word. In the incident report, with timestamps.
What remains after quality control is delivered to Charlotte for CEO review, which means Charlotte smells it, takes the best piece, and approves the remainder for general distribution.
The general distribution is Tartiflette putting it back roughly where she found it and sitting on it until someone takes it away from her. Luna has flagged this as “not technically delivery.” Charlotte has ruled it “close enough.”
During her first day, she intercepted a delivery, performed “quality control” on the entire order, and filed a report consisting of the word “GOOD” written in what appears to be sriracha. Luna documents the loss. This happens three more times. Charlotte calls it “acceptable shrinkage.” Luna calls it “a federal problem.”
