Chaos Chronicles Presents:
The Rebellion of the Pink-Bowed Axes
📰 Breaking News from the Chaos Chronicles
Charlotte, the Psychokalika, has uncovered my Christmas battle axes—tastefully accessorized with pink bows, courtesy of my husband (a.k.a. Collateral Damage).
After declaring herself “Supreme Commander of Catopia,” she immediately went on a rampage:
-
- knocked over a vase
-
- terrorized Ziggy Stardust
-
- dramatically monologued about “conquering the humans.”
She is, as always, an unhinged brat.
Tartiflette, in a moment of peak courage, attempted to join the rebellion…
Only to retreat when Charlotte hissed,
“Minions don’t carry weapons!”
She also knows I can take the hammock away. Because I am a heartless sociopath.
Karen Level: Boss Mode.
I’ve confiscated the axes (for now), but Charlotte is currently sharpening her claws while muttering about “inferior human diplomacy” and plotting her next coup. I will squash it with Churus.
Moral of the story?
Never underestimate a cat with battle axes, pink bows, and aspirations for world domination.
Oh—and a dragon.
Stay tuned for updates…
If I survive.
I’m trading Charlotte for a hamster.
📜 Charlotte’s Diary
Decree #734: The Reclamation of the Axes
Today, I, Charlotte the Calico, Supreme Overcoat of this domicile, made a glorious discovery:
Two perfectly balanced battle axes adorned with pink bows—an impeccable fusion of power and style. Clearly, they were meant for me.
I was mid-strategy to overthrow the humans (starting with the Karen) when Willow dared to stare at me in alarm. I told her to stand down. She blinked. Typical.
Tortilla Flat, ever the hopeful minion, attempted to touch one of my axes.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
I reminded her:
“Subordinates wield nothing but fear.”
She fled.
As expected.
Unworthy.
And then… Iaia—the traitor—confiscated my weapons and called me “unhinged.”
Unhinged. Me.
I would have challenged her, but my claws were due for sharpening. And frankly, she’s not worth dulling them.
Rest assured:
The axes shall be mine again.
With Scorchio at my side, the Age of Catopia shall rise.
You will all kneel before me… and bring Churus.
Signed,
Charlotte the Magnificent, Your Overcoat
(“Nope. I will never tell.” – Iaia.
“Tell you WHAT???” – Still Me.)
🐾 Da Tale of da Axes
(As told by Tarti the Tiny Explorer)
HI HI HI! It’s MEEEEEE Tarti!!
GUESS WHAT I FOUND??
Shiny! Big! PINK BOWZ!!!
Mommy sez dey are AXEZ!
I wuz sniffin’ and tappin’ them with my paw—
TAP TAP TAP!
Then da evil overcoat (Charlotte) stomped over like STOMPY STOMP STOMP, her tail all SWOOSHY like a danger noodle, and sed:
“Minions don’t get weaponz.”
But I iz NOT a minion!
I iz a TARTI! Totally different!
So I sed:
“Can I try it? Pweeeease?”
And then…
HIIIIISSSSSSSSS!!! 😱
My ears went FLOOPY and I zoom-zoomed away.
(Not scared. Nope. Just, um, busy. Kittens got bizness, ya know?)
Then Willow looked at me like:
“Why do you even try?”
But she alwayz look like dat. So I think it means she loves me.
Then Mommy (aka THE BESTEST) took da axes and said stuff like:
“No weaponz for kittens,”
or
“Chaos iz bad,”
I dunno. I wasn’t listenin’. I found a crinkly paper to chew!! YAY ME!!
Charlotte got mad.
She said sumfin about snackz—
No wait—hoomans. I think.
But I think snackiez are better.
So I iz gonna go find some.
Maybe next time I can help Charlotte take over da world!
Or maybe I’ll just nap on her face. Heehee.
Signed,
Tarti the Tiny Explorer
(and maybe Minion… but only when Charlotte’s nice)
Filed under: Utter Mayhem
Next Coup Attempt ETA: Tuesday
– The Karen (still confiscating weapons)
