Time Stamp: 09:14 AM
Location: Living Room Rug / Command Podium
Snacks provided: Freeze-dried salmon bites and one (1) broken Temptations treat
Dress Code: Business casual (no butt-showing)
(CHARLOTTE INTERRUPTS: LIVE FROM THE RUG)
Time Stamp: 09:16 AM
Location: Two inches from Luna’s face
Tone: Nuclear meltdown wrapped in calico sass
Meeting Called to Order.
Luna stands on the coffee table wearing her emergency collar with the bell removed for seriousness.
Objective:
To formally inform all household staff of a recently discovered cranial irregularity affecting our human mother, Karen (aka “Mom,” aka “She Who Opens the Can”). I got the password of her Canvas account.
Charlotte: 👏 I 👏 HAVE 👏 NOTES. Let’s begin.
Charlotte’s notes: “WTF IS A TUMOR.”
CONFIDENTIAL – DO NOT SHARE
Property of Charlotte the Calico, HR Director, Granddaughter of Record
Case File: The Brain Blobs Affair
Slide 1: Title
The Brain Blobs: A Situational Overview
Subtitle: “What’s in her head and why we’re not panicking (yet).”
Charlotte: And she didn’t think we should be told?? Excuse me?? SHE IS MY IAIA. I was PROMISED TRANSPARENCY when I was promoted to Senior Granddaughter, and I will NOT be lied to like some common houseplant!
Slide 2: The Discovery
Last afternoon, while performing a routine cybersecurity sweep (scrolling through Mom’s unlocked phone at 3 PM), I uncovered a medical report:
Mom has two meninjamamas. Menin-googly-mos. Mening–something. Tumors. They’re called tumors. In her head. Not contagious. Not invited. Not welcome.
Charlotte: “Meningomatoes”?? Really, Luna? If you’re going to hold an emergency household-wide health summit, maybe, I don’t know—LEARN THE WORD. It’s mango-nomas. M-A-N-G-O-N-O-O-M-E-S. Say it with me or stop saying it at all.
🧠 Terminology Madness:
– Menin-GOO-what? Luna pronounced it differently every. single. time. “Meningie,” “mango-jellyoma,” “minimum-wage-oma.” I lost five IQ points just listening.
– → CORRECT TERM: MENINJAMA
– → Memorize it. Tattoo it. Scream it into a pillow.
Slide 3: What Does This Mean for Us?
– They are “benign.” Which means they’re bad roommates, not serial killers. Like Ziggy, but less crumb-covered.
– No surgery. Yet.
– Monitoring only. If they grow, we initiate Operation SQUISH (sit on head gently).
– Unrelated to her smell loss. Apparently, her nose just gave up one day. She’s seeing a “smell newrourologist” (?!) I had to Google it. It’s real. Humans are weird.
Charlotte: “Sit on it” is NOT a medical plan. Are we now practicing butt-based neurosurgery? Luna, you cannot “smother with love” literally. You weigh seven pounds and 80% of that is judgment.
Medical Timeline SCANDAL:
– TWO TUMORS in HER HEAD and we’re just now finding out?? WHO EVEN DOES THAT. THE KAREN, THAT’S WHO!!!!
-“Watch and wait” is NOT a strategy, it’s a coping mechanism.
– No one consulted ME. NO ONE. Not even a draft memo.
🔍 The Smell Subplot:
– “She lost her sense of smell.” Explanation: ¯\(ツ)/¯. Is she cursed?. Did Lilith hex the Febreze?
Action Items:
– Demand scratch-n-sniff testing privileges
Slide 4: Risk Assessment
– Emotional instability among staff: HIGH
– Charlotte-related drama: CATASTROPHIC
– Tartiflette trying to eat the MRI scan: 85% likely (Tarti!!! Not a cookie!!!)
– Ziggy wandering off mid-briefing to sit in a box: Already happened
Charlotte – Reparations: for this gross violation of trust, I demand:
– 1x tuna pâté, warmed to ear temperature
– 3x apologies, handwritten and paw-signed
– 1x new heating pad
– Chimpiflette to be officially banned from shouting “MOM IS DYING” until we get actual confirmation.
Slide 5: Action Items
– Remain Calm.
– Do not yell. Do not leap off furniture unless absolutely necessary. Charlotte, this means you.
– Prepare Questions.
– Relevant questions only. Example of acceptable: “What is a tumor?”. Example of unacceptable: “Can I have her food if she dies?” (this means you, Tartiflette.)
– Respect Her Privacy.
– Except for Luna, who will continue security sweeps.
– Support Mom.
– Extra snuggles. Less sabotage. Do not push her coffee mug off the counter for ONE SINGLE DAY.
Charlotte: Where was the PowerPoint clicker? I think that Tortilla Flat was sleeping on it.
PowerPoint Catastrophe:
– Comic Sans.
– No slide transitions.
– Brain diagram had TWO PEAS in a spaghetti swirl.
– “Tumors not included”?? WHO WROTE THIS???
Note: Submit formal complaint to Feline Slide Design Committee.
Closing Remarks
We are a household. We are a team. We may not understand brains, or neworologie, or why Charlotte has a closet full of protest signs… But we show up. We sit on what needs to be sat on. We light candles. We purr. And if Mom forgets our names, we’ll just reintroduce ourselves. Loudly. At 3:00 AM.
—
Luna, COO & Emergency Medical Liaison (provisional, unlicensed, still Googling “meningies”)
Charlotte:
I am asking for an immediate termination of Luna’s medical leadership privileges.
Miscellaneous Notes
– Tartiflette tried to chew the pointer. Again.
– Ziggy slept through the entire briefing with her tongue out.
– Lilith levitated for 4 seconds during the word “neworology.”
Luna: I am opening the floor for questions now.
Charlotte: Luna, you have no idea of what really is going on, I have seen you Googling “neurowhatnow” and trying to pretend you know what a meningo-mango is. You’re out here pretending you’ve been pre-med since kittenhood while she’s out here hiding brain raisins.
Lilith: This is… troubling. This energy is unclean. I’m lighting the cinnamon candle and whisper at the moon. And the emergency lavender. Also maybe the neighbor’s sage bush. We need layers.
Tartiflette:
OMG IS MOM DYING???? IF SHE DIES CAN I HAVE THE BIG BED??? AND THE LASER POINTER. AND THE SNACK CABINET. AND ZIGGY.
Ziggy Stardust:
Am I a cabinet. Do cabinets get naps. I don’t want shelves.
Tartiflette:
CAN I GO TO THE SMELL DOCTOR TOO??? SOMETIMES I SMELL THINGS THAT AREN’T THERE. LIKE THE BISCUITS. THEY CALL ME.
Ziggy Stardust:
Omg they talk to you too? do they say “crumbly friends”. Mine do.
Lilith:
The biscuits whisper to all of us in riddles, child. Only the chosen may interpret them. You are not ready, Tartiflette.
Luna: I’m drafting a medical disclosure protocol. Also installing a widget on her phone that alerts us when she Googles anything ending in “-oma.”
