Episode: The Human Is Dramatic Again
Filed by Chief Operations Officer Luna, aka Superchat™ – American Edition
📅 Stardate: 12:00 hours
🎯 Mission Objective: Evaluate emergency whining
👩⚕️ Subject: The Human (Karen)
💡 Reported Condition: “I am dying,” she claimed.
At 12:00 hours,the loud human collapsed onto the bed, groaning. “I am dying,” she announced.
I immediately assessed the situation. She only has a bad cold, no need to be a drama queen. She watches way too much RuPaul.
Symptoms: Flopped over. Whining. General drama. More mucus than on a Ghostbusters movie.
Diagnosis: 97% chance of exaggeration, but she has a cold.
Treatment: A reassuring yet firm intervention. No, no turnip truck ran over you last night.
I walked over, pressed my wet nose to her cheek, and gave my professional opinion: “No, you are not. This is very dramatic, Karen.”
She groaned again. My Willow, the most perfect goggie in the universe, gasped in alarm. “Noooooo! Not my human! WHO WILL TUCK ME IN AT NIGHT??”
I soothed her immediately with purr therapy and gentle headbutts.
“She is fine, love. She is just being a little silly. Well, a lot.”
And, then, of course, the rest of the household arrived. Charlotte strolled in, glanced at the scene, and rolled her eyes.
“Karens will Karen. FML.” Then she left, she is always very unhelpful. Calicos are like this.
Lilith arrived, dramatically standing in the doorway like a gothic novel heroine:
“Oh no… what a tragic fate… if only we had prepared… if only we had more treats stored away…”.
Ziggy waddled in next, zero concern, just curiosity. “So… if she dies, does that mean extra breakfast?”
And then… Tartiflette, the baby, ran into the room, full of energy and full of nonsense.
“Dyin’? You dyin’, mama??”
Her tail fluffed in excitement.
“Can I hab ur crunchies??”
I sighed deeply. Sometimes they are too much.
I reassured Willow that everything was under control, dismissed Charlotte’s attitude, gently redirected Lilith’s melodrama, informed Ziggy that, no, food distribution will remain unchanged, explained to Tartiflette that I am in charge of food and she may not eat the human’s crunchies and sat on the human’s chest for observation. She still has a pulse.
Verdict: The Karen, with a nose like a circus clown, will live but needs to settle down, take tea with honey and use Vicksvaporrub or whatever is called.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a house to run.
End of report.
Luna, Chief Operations Officer & Best Cat Ever
