A Hissing Resources Emergency Meeting
Minutes taken (begrudgingly) by Luna M Whiskers, COO, MBA (Master of Bananarchy Administration).
Discovery:
Luna (entering the living room, suspicious): …Why is the TV warm? Why is the remote sticky? Why is there a tiny paw print on the “Play” button?
Tartiflette (standing dramatically on the coffee table, a dish towel tied like a cape, trembling): Luna…Luneeeeettaaaa…THE WATER BETRAYED THEM.
Luna: Oh sweet motherboard of mercy, what did you WATCH now?!
Tarti (collapsing into a heap): THE SHIP WAS SO BIG, LUNA. SO BIG. WHY DID THEY NOT SEE THE ICE CUBE??? WHY DID JACK TURN INTO A FLOATING POPSICLE???WHY DID THE GREEDY LADY NOT SHARE THE RAFT??? I HAVE QUESTIONS.
Luna:
…
Mama is going to ask why the cat is sobbing into a dish towel again and I refuse to explain this.
Charlotte arrives, already fed up and she does not even know what is going on:
Charlotte (entering like the Downtown Abbey Dowager): What… what is this racket? Why is the goblin wailing like she just lost her crown in Miss Chaos International?
Tarti (flinging herself at Charlotte’s paws): CHARLOTTE, DID YOU KNOW HUMANS CAN BECOME POPSICLES WHILE FLOATING?? DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ISEEBURGS??? DO YOU KNOW ABOUT TRAGIC DOOMED ROMANCES???
Charlotte: Oh NO. No no no, absolutely NOT. We are not doing a tragic romance arc. We barely survived her Annie era. I will NOT endure “My Heart Will Go On” at 3 a.m.
Tarti: TOOOTALLY WILL GO OOOOON—
Charlotte: DON’T YOU DARE START THAT SONG!!!! I have teeth, child.
Emergency meeting in the kitchen
Luna: I hereby call this meeting to order. The agenda:
- How did the baby get access to the remote?
- How do we prevent her from re-enacting the ship scene on top of the Roomba?
Ziggy (half-asleep): …mmm… let her ride the Roomba… call it research…
Lilith (staring into the void): I saw this coming. In a vision. The Small One… standing on the Roomba whispering “I’ll never let go…” The Roomba heading for the stairs. Glorious chaos.
Charlotte: This is EXACTLY why human children have supervision. We are FAILING as an organization.
Luna (scribbling notes): All right, solutions. Ziggy? TARTI!!!! STAY AWAY FROM MY HIGHLIGHTERS!!!!! YOU WILL POOP BLUE FOR A WEEK *AGAIN* AND KAREN WILL BLAME ME!
Ziggy:…nap on the remote forever so no one can use it.
Luna: Passive but pretty realistic. Lilith?
Lilith: Banish the remotes to the shadow realm.
Charlotte: What does that even MEAN?! Is that under the couch or a different plane of existence?
Lilith: Yes.
Luna: Charlotte?
Charlotte: I hate Lilith. Honestly? We force iaia to password lock the TV. Something the baby can’t guess like the word “responsibility”.
Luna: COLD. Effective. Approved.
Tarti’s encore
Tarti (reappears wearing a blanket like a cape, standing on a chair): EVERYBODY LOOK AT ME. I AM KING OF THE WORLD.
All cats in unison: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Roomba (starting up in the hallway): brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Luna: Oh for the love of spreadsheets, SOMEONE STOP HER…
Charlotte: I CAN’T TAKE ANOTHER MUSICAL NUMBER
Ziggy: …wake me when she hits the wall…
Lilith: The prophecy unfolds…
Tarti: HOLD me, Charlotte! HOLD ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH GIRLS.
Charlotte: I’m calling Hissing Resources on this whole household.
