Operation Nordic Nonsense, Phase IV – The Homebound Chronicles
Time Stamp: 07:30 PM
Location: Command Center (formerly known as “the sofa”)
- I
nitial Observation:
They smell like airplane seats, fermented fish, and smug happiness.
The rustle of keys. The jingle of travel fatigue. The unmistakable sound of Iaia and Not-Iaia dragging their bones and their Ikea tote bags through the door like caffeinated zombies returning from Valhalla.
I activated the internal alert system (aka my whiskers twitched).
Charlotte launched herself at the door with the fury of a thousand vengeful ancestors.
Tartiflette squealed, leapt off the bookshelf, hit two walls, a plant, and landed directly on Not-Iaia’s foot. She then ran away screaming from joy, fear, or existential confusion—unclear.
Lilith staged a calm, slow-motion stare-off from the hallway. The “You left. I remained. Judged.” energy was thick.
Ziggy just blinked once and fell asleep again. Brain cell still loading.
08:00 PM – Reacclimation Phase Begins
Iaia dropped a tote bag and was immediately buried under a mountain of cat sniff inspections.
Tarti found her travel socks and claimed them as a nest.
Charlotte demanded tributes in the form of rehydrated treats and at least four apologies for “abandoning the realm.”
Not-Iaia tried to pet everyone and got mostly lukewarm reception. Except Ziggy, who licked his elbow and drooled on Not-iaia’s knee in solidarity.
08:30 PM – Suitcase Mayhem
Charlotte climbed into the suitcase, curled up on a pair of Swedish wool socks and dared anyone to move her. When asked to vacate, she quoted ancient maritime law and hissed. I respect her commitment.
Lilith stole a smoked cheese and tried to bury it in the couch.
Tartiflette: oh sweet Mary in a jam jar. Tarti was vibrating. She ping-ponged across the house in a blur of pure kinetic chaos. She bounced off the couch, somersaulted off Not-Iaia’s stomach, and knocked over a glass moose figurine. (RIP, Sven.) Then she purred, knocked over a water glass, and rolled in a pile of clean laundry. Then the chaos goblin attempted to drag a souvenir troll figurine into her litter box. We’re choosing not to interpret that.
09:00 PM – Emotional Confrontation
Iaia: “Who missed me the most?”
Entire House:
• Charlotte: sneezes and walks away mid-sentence
• Lilith: slowly turns her back
• Ziggy: lets out a sigh from the depths of cat limbo
• Me: open a cabinet with my paw and slam it shut dramatically
• Tartiflette: full-body flop onto Iaia’s chest like an overly affectionate bowling ball
Conclusion: Tarti won. She is now stuck to Iaia like velcro, and whenever Iaia moves, Tarti moves with her like a barnacle with abandonment issues.
09:30 PM – Revenge & Restoration of Order
I took stock of damages:
• One cracked troll figurine (Tarti).
• One shredded map of Copenhagen (Charlotte. It was probably a protest.)
• Two mysterious puddles in the hallway (Unknown origin, but I have my suspicions).
• Sofa blanket stolen and used as a nest by Lilith.
• Ziggy now fully awake and chewing on someone’s passport.
10:00 PM – Final Notes
• Treat distribution was chaotic, bordering on a riot.
• Iaia is now under feline surveillance at all times. Tarti’s eyes do not blink.
• Charlotte has filed three formal complaints in the form of long, wordless meows and one dramatic hairball.
• Lilith has claimed the Norwegian wool scarf. It is now hers.
• I will be filing a report with HR (Hissing Resources) regarding the unauthorized absence of our humans and the emotional consequences on the staff.
• Now excuse me while I go reorganize the travel binder and update everyone’s titles. Charlotte insists she’s now “Duchess of the Arctic Circle” and Tartiflette is demanding a cape with Viking runes. I just can’t.
Day 3: Debrief and Assessment
Suitcases unpacked?
Yes. But only after someone tripped over one (not naming names, but someone who answers to “Iaia”).
Pantry restocked?
Yes. The fridge now contains salmon, mustard herring, 4 types of cheese no one can pronounce, and a jar of suspicious pickles that Charlotte insists are “for rituals.”
Notes logged?
Yes. I paid attention to the narrative and I have documented every transit hiccup, each IKEA sighting, and the precise moment Iaia fell in love with a bakery in Stockholm. Spoiler: 9:42 a.m., raining lightly, Kanelbullar. Romance ensued.
Next trip planning started?
Yes. Norway in winter has already been mentioned twice and googled once. I give it a week before flights are booked. My work is never done.
Conclusion of Entry:
The humans are back. The hierarchy must be reestablished, routines renegotiated, and petting quotas filled. As always, I, Luna the COO, must restore order.
Tasks for Tomorrow:
• Inventory new smells on clothes.
• Hide in suitcase and shed.
• Knock over the souvenir candleholder from Copenhagen.
• Remind them they are not allowed to pee alone anymore.
• Continue updating the spreadsheet of missing toys and stolen snacks.
Luna, signing off.
I remain the last thread holding this household together. You’re welcome.
