Case Title: The Tartiflette Midnight MIA Crisis + The Unauthorized Tulio Humanitarian Fiasco
Filed by: Luna, COO and Keeper of Sanity
Additional Offenders:
– Karen (primary enabler
– Collateral Damage (softhearted civilian agent)
– Tulio (rogue garden entity, possible chaos magnet)
– Charlotte (Calico Recon Unit)
New Offense Added:
Feeding the potential chaos magnet—Tulio, el Ladrón de Almas.
Timeline Update:
-08:00 AM: Tulio appears in yard, thin, with sadness in his eyes.
-08:03 AM: Karen melts like warm brie. Collateral Damage retrieves food.
-08:10 AM: Tulio eats. Subject Tartiflette exited the premises for what was assumed to be routine porch patrol. By 10:12 AM, it became clear she had engaged in unsanctioned extended garden operations. Despite multiple recall attempts, Subject Tarti failed to respond appropriately and appeared, per eyewitness Karen, “flattened to the ground like a traumatized pancake with stripes.” Possibly cursed.
-08:30 AM–11:59 PM: Tartiflette spiral intensifies. Hides, flattens, refuses extraction. Charlotte maintained visual contact with Tulio, the suspected spook factor. It remains unclear whether Tulio (code name: El Ladrón de Almas) instigated the panic or merely bore witness to the ensuing feral meltdown. Investigation pending.
– 7:34 PM: Charlotte returned inside with a look of “not my circus, not my monkeys.”
-11:58 PM: Karen rose from the dead (or bed) and issued a final maternal call.
-12:00 AM: Tartiflette emerged from the shadows like a guilty forest fairy and re-entered the household.
Luna’s Furious Notes (Damage Report):
–Human emotional distress: Elevated.
-Tartiflette: Slightly damp, mildly wide-eyed, but otherwise unharmed.
-Luna: Drowning in paperwork. Again.
-Coffee stockpile: Critically low.
(Dictated While Pacing):
–“Oh yes, let’s just feed the neighborhood weirdo. Why not hand him the Wi-Fi password too?”
-“We were one canned sardine away from a feral uprising.”
-“This is why I don’t take days off. Because you people do this.”
Disciplinary Recommendations:
-Karen and Collateral Damage must attend a Mandatory Seminar on Stranger Danger for Soft Humans
(subtitle: “Just Because He’s Skinny Doesn’t Mean He’s Not a Chaos Imp.”)
-Tulio to be observed from a safe distance using binoculars and emotional detachment.
-Install anti-spook perimeter surveillance (aka wind chimes).
-Draft a “DO NOT PANIC AND FREAK OUT IN THE SHRUBBERY” protocol for Tartiflette.
-I demand a Title IX for feral interlopers and a panic button installed under the porch.
Excuse me while I bury myself under a blanket with my borrowed laptop and a cup of herbal valerian root tea. I am one whisker away from requisitioning an emotional support lizard. These children are feral and dramatic.
Apology from Tartiflette
(Dictated, not really understood, by Tartiflette)
dear luna,
i sorry i make chaos. i was very outside and the world did a big spook.
tulio made the air go zzzhhh! and then my legs did spaghetti.
i didn’t mean to do a feral. also i not cursed i think. just… smol.
pls no write me up. i ate all my dinner and gave karen one lick on the nose.
i love you. you shiny.
– tarti
p.s. i saw a moth it was amazing
